I'm over there, outside. I find myself constantly on that side where my voice echoes unrivaled, where I want to leave without finding a door that finally get me out of this maze that I have faced, unintentionally and without realizing how it is possible that. Without realizing it, at least for now, as one seeks a cause for the most unlikely thing that can happen. I'm on that side that I know, more than anyone, who I am, where I see me and I understand me completely - Or at least, always tending to it -, where I see my past and I identify myself with what I was - The past and only the past, as if the present were to stop existing and future no longer wanted to come -, where I truly am, where I have a place- That side - but it means nothing when there is such incommunicado with the inside, this side. I'm in a parallel universe where everything is thought, mind, that side where emotions do not live, Where I see smiles I want to repay but in this emptiness does not exist, Where I see imbalances that I want to correct, but I can not because I lack the strength, as if something in me set aside my actions, as if I was being paralyzed, gradually, as if I lacked the air I need to breathe. On that side where, in fact, gestures, faces and looks mean nothing to me, as if, me, have been wiped out natural meaning of all this, if is that if I ever had knowledge of these meanings. I wish that some people know who I am. I do not know who should be that people. I liked that they knew my side of life. I liked that somebody take me to know this side of life, that side that I hear and see virtually and I am unable to feel. But it's hard to be on this side, feeling this way, feeling the way outside. I lose myself and runaway myself, I feel myself to erase, increasingly small, as without freedom as if I am not free to breathe. . And then, when I look at the faces on this side, I do not see anything they should be transmitting, those faces and their eyes say nothing to me, as if I quit thinking, As if I had been all his life trapped inside a dungeon without seeing people, as if I'd been an autistic - I'm afraid of becoming an autistic - the truth is I can not look. Over there there's just monologues. And if outside I seem to understand everything,in this side nothing I seem to understand, if like everything was fleeting. I know there was a beginning for this, powered by the time that has passed, like a chain that something or someone put me and that was not broken with time, But was strengthened. I see many moments of negative reinforcement, I find myself often wanting to escape what I should have faced up to. I see that I interpret as negative a lot of what happens to me. I do not contradict this force that led me increasingly to the other side. And again, there remains the feeling of hope that everything will be less bad, as bad it seems it has to be. I know I speak of my pain and that it must seem that I talk as if she were sole and absolute and as if I was not able to see the pain of those around me. But I see and feel it, I exagerate and I elevated to the maximum in my pain, the pain of those around me, because that pain of others I am not indifferent, and do not know why this. Why do not absolutize the joy that is in the other and I have to absolutize pain, is a question I ask myself this moment. Because I can not be a be balanced, at least? And, between being on the other side (outside) or be on this side (inside), between wanting both sides at the same time is like being in the realm of contradiction, the paradox. Between wanting to have attencion in everything that surrounds me and check everything over there, And between want to be focused and leave - take me to the flavor of the Universe on this side, I live in a situation of instability and implosion. But if this depended on a simple choice, I would have chosen, I would come to this side, because I'm sick over there. But the problem is I can not live on this side and I gotta go learn this, if I may, without, however, leaving the other side because that would lose me.
